Communication, Part 4

©2022 dan bulkley | ask@lifefellowship.org

section 1

flattery

Flattery is speaking what you think others want to hear rather than what they need to hear jeremiah 15:19  jeremiah 23:14, 16-17, 22 . The flattering heart is more concerned with accumulating other’s praises galatians 1:10  even if it means isolating the hearer from what would build them up so that they may like you more galatians 4:16-17 . The flatterer manipulates to get what they want from those who don’t know any better romans 16:18 , by masking their greed with "kindness" i thessalonians 2:5 . Flattery is a skillful, but loathsome lie that does more long-term damage than the flatterer and the flattered can perceive job 32:21-22 .

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jeremiah 15:19 niv84

Therefore this is what the LORD says: "If you repent, I will restore you that you may serve Me; if you utter worthy, not worthless, words, you will be My spokesman. Let this people turn to you, but you must not turn to them.

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jeremiah 23:14, 16-17, 22 esv

But in the prophets of Jerusalem I have seen a horrible thing: they commit adultery and walk in lies; they strengthen the hands of evildoers, so that no one turns from his evil; all of them have become like Sodom to Me, and its inhabitants like Gomorrah."

Thus says the LORD of hosts: "Do not listen to the words of the prophets who prophesy to you, filling you with vain hopes. They speak visions of their own minds, not from the mouth of the LORD. They say continually to those who despise the word of the LORD, ‘It shall be well with you’; and to everyone who stubbornly follows his own heart, they say, ‘No disaster shall come upon you.’"

But if they had stood in My council, then they would have proclaimed My Words to My people, and they would have turned them from their evil way, and from the evil of their deeds.

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galatians 1:10 esv

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ.

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galatians 4:16-17 hcsb

Have I now become your enemy by telling you the truth? They are enthusiastic about you, but not for any good. Instead, they want to isolate you so you will be enthusiastic about them.

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romans 16:18 esv

For such persons do not serve our Lord Christ, but their own appetites, and by smooth talk and flattery they deceive the hearts of the naive.

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i thessalonians 2:5 esv

For we never came with words of flattery, as you know, nor with a pretext for greed—God is witness.

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job 32:21-22 nlt

I won’t play favorites or try to flatter anyone. For if I tried flattery, my Creator would soon destroy me.

section 2

Be self-aware; flatterers also avoid conflict because of the unpleasantness of it, weakening relationships and rarely experiencing more than a very immature, fragile, selfish kind of love leviticus 19:17-18 . They settle for flimsy relationships and perpetually cover up distance with hypocritical whitewash ezekiel 13:10  matthew 23:27 ; ruining opportunity after opportunity for genuine relationships proverbs 26:28 . Flattery is a trap we spread for ourselves psalm 36:2  and others proverbs 29:5  as not only does flattery come from fear of man, but it also leads its hearers to the same end proverbs 29:25 .

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leviticus 19:17-18 esv

"You shall not hate your brother in your heart, but you shall reason frankly with your neighbor, lest you incur sin because of him. You shall not take vengeance or bear a grudge against the sons of your own people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the LORD.

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ezekiel 13:10 esv

Precisely because they have misled my people, saying, ‘Peace,’ when there is no peace, and because, when the people build a wall, these prophets smear it with whitewash...

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matthew 23:27 esv

"Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and all uncleanness.

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proverbs 26:28 esv

A lying tongue hates its victims, and a flattering mouth works ruin.

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psalm 36:2 esv

For he flatters himself in his own eyes that his iniquity cannot be found out and hated.

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proverbs 29:5 esv

A man who flatters his neighbor spreads a net for his feet.

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proverbs 29:25 esv

The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the LORD is safe.

section 3

Instead of trying to make relationships from "niceness" and a mask of "caring", we should speak simply and sincerely, depending on the grace of God rather than our own wisdom to build relationships ii corinthians 1:12  ii corinthians 4:2 . An honest, heartfelt rebuke proverbs 27:5  is far better than flattery as one at least opens the door for genuine relationship while the other is only a puffed up lie heading for collapse or perpetual immaturity proverbs 28:23  isaiah 30:12-13 .

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ii corinthians 1:12 nlt

We can say with confidence and a clear conscience that we have lived with a God-given holiness and sincerity in all our dealings. We have depended on God’s grace, not on our own human wisdom. That is how we have conducted ourselves before the world, and especially toward you.

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ii corinthians 4:2 niv84

Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God.

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proverbs 27:5 esv

Better is open rebuke than hidden love.

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proverbs 28:23 esv

Whoever rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with his tongue.

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isaiah 30:12-13 csb

Therefore the Holy One of Israel says: "Because you have rejected this message and have trusted in oppression and deceit, and have depended on them, this iniquity of yours will be like a crumbling gap, a bulge in a high wall whose collapse will come in an instantsuddenly!

section 4

arguing

Arguing is different from reasoning isaiah 1:18  james 3:17  as reasoning is seeking to understand not be understood proverbs 18:2  and be beneficial i corinthians 10:24 , while arguing is seeking to be right job 40:2 , self-just i corinthians 6:1, 7-8  and superior over others iii john 9 , usually becoming more distorted by passion ii samuel 19:41-20:2 . The very aim of seeking to be right over righteous is so deceptive as we are no longer entrusting ourselves to the Lord i peter 4:19 , but rather are looking to control others luke 22:25-27  all the while congratulating ourselves for being right not realizing we ourselves are not walking in Truth and Love. Arguing (quarreling) is not what God desires james 1:20 , and if we were honest with ourselves, we argue to appear right rather than lead others to righteousness ii corinthians 13:6-7 .

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isaiah 1:18 esv

Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.

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james 3:17 esv

But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

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proverbs 18:2 esv

A fool takes no pleasure in understanding, but only in expressing his opinion.

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i corinthians 10:24 nlt

Don’t be concerned for your own good but for the good of others.

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job 40:2 csb

Will the one who contends with the Almighty correct Him? Let him who argues with God give an answer.

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i corinthians 6:1, 7-8 nlt

When one of you has a dispute with another believer, how dare you file a lawsuit and ask a secular court to decide the matter instead of taking it to other believers!

Even to have such lawsuits with one another is a defeat for you. Why not just accept the injustice and leave it at that? Why not let yourselves be cheated? Instead, you yourselves are the ones who do wrong and cheat even your fellow believers.

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iii john 9 nkjv

I wrote to the church, but Diotrephes, who loves to have the preeminence among them, does not receive us.

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ii samuel 19:41-20:2 esv

Then all the men of Israel came to the king and said to the king, "Why have our brothers the men of Judah stolen you away and brought the king and his household over the Jordan, and all David’s men with him?"

All the men of Judah answered the men of Israel, "Because the king is our close relative. Why then are you angry over this matter? Have we eaten at all at the king’s expense? Or has he given us any gift?"

And the men of Israel answered the men of Judah, "We have ten shares in the king, and in David also we have more than you. Why then did you despise us? Were we not the first to speak of bringing back our king?" But the words of the men of Judah were fiercer than the words of the men of Israel.

Now there happened to be there a worthless man, whose name was Sheba, the son of Bichri, a Benjaminite. And he blew the trumpet and said, "We have no portion in David, and we have no inheritance in the son of Jesse; every man to his tents, O Israel!" So all the men of Israel withdrew from David and followed Sheba the son of Bichri. But the men of Judah followed their king steadfastly from the Jordan to Jerusalem.

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i peter 4:19 esv

Therefore let those who suffer according to God’s will entrust their souls to a faithful Creator while doing good.

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luke 22:25-27 csb

But He said to them, "The kings of the Gentiles lord it over them, and those who have authority over them have themselves called ‘Benefactors.’ It is not to be like that among you. On the contrary, whoever is greatest among you should become like the youngest, and whoever leads, like the one serving. For who is greater, the one at the table or the one serving? Isn’t it the one at the table? But I am among you as the One Who serves.

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james 1:20 esv

for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

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ii corinthians 13:6-7 esv

I hope you will find out that we have not failed the test. But we pray to God that you may not do wrongnot that we may appear to have met the test, but that you may do what is right, though we may seem to have failed.

my notes:

section 5

We are commanded to do everything without arguing philippians 2:14  as that is trying to exert our will i peter 4:2  upon others in the guise of God’s will john 16:2  judges 6:31 . We are told to mind our own business i thessalonians 4:11-12 , not to meddle in other’s responsibilities i peter 4:15 , especially when it is outside the fellowship of the church i corinthians 5:12-13  and not ours to live out proverbs 26:17 .Arguing is trying to live someone else’s life rather than living your own life to the Lord john 21:22  i timothy 2:8 . Besides, arguments are venues for trampling on each other matthew 7:6  proverbs 18:6 , as we do not know the plans God has to reach another’s heart ecclesiastes 7:14 . But we do know that we all will have to stand before the Lord romans 14:4 .

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philippians 2:14 nlt

Do everything without complaining and arguing...

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i peter 4:2 esv

so as to live for the rest of the time in the flesh no longer for human passions but for the will of God.

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john 16:2 esv

They will put you out of the synagogues. Indeed, the hour is coming when whoever kills you will think he is offering service to God.

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judges 6:31 esv

But Joash said to all who stood against him, "Will you contend for Baal? Or will you save him? Whoever contends for him shall be put to death by morning. If he is a god, let him contend for himself, because his altar has been broken down."

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i thessalonians 4:11-12 csb

...to seek to lead a quiet life, to mind your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you, so that you may behave properly in the presence of outsiders and not be dependent on anyone.

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i peter 4:15 esv

But let none of you suffer as a murderer or a thief or an evildoer or as a meddler.

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i corinthians 5:12-13 csb

For what business is it of mine to judge outsiders? Don’t you judge those who are inside? God judges outsiders. Remove the evil person from among you.

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proverbs 26:17 esv

Whoever meddles in a quarrel not his own is like one who takes a passing dog by the ears.

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john 21:22 esv

Jesus said to him, "If it is My will that he remain until I come, what is that to you? You follow Me!"

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i timothy 2:8 csb

Therefore, I want the men in every place to pray, lifting up holy hands without anger or argument.

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matthew 7:6 esv

Do not give dogs what is holy, and do not throw your pearls before pigs, lest they trample them underfoot and turn to attack you.

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proverbs 18:6 esv

A fool’s lips walk into a fight, and his mouth invites a beating.

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ecclesiastes 7:14 niv84

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.

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romans 14:4 esv

Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls. And he will be upheld, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

section 6

So, we should seek to influence, not control, by warning ecclesiastes 11:9  and dissuading from sin ezekiel 3:18  and also persuading towards the Lord ii corinthians 5:11 . As we are not God genesis 50:18-20 , it is not for us to fight with anyone to come to life job 33:6-7 , but rather hold Truth out to them as a viable choice philippians 2:14-16  joshua 24:15 . When one refuses and/or opposes the Truth, arguments do nothing but entrench us further apart i timothy 6:4-5 ; so, gently present the Truth, but do not succumb to arguing ii timothy 2:25 ; we must let others choose ezekiel 3:27  acts 18:6  matthew 15:14 .

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ecclesiastes 11:9 esv

Rejoice, O young man, in your youth, and let your heart cheer you in the days of your youth. Walk in the ways of your heart and the sight of your eyes. But know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment.

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ezekiel 3:18 niv84

When I say to a wicked man, ‘You will surely die,’ and you do not warn him or speak out to dissuade him from his evil ways in order to save his life, that wicked man will die for his sin, and I will hold you accountable for his blood.

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ii corinthians 5:11 esv

Therefore, knowing the fear of the Lord, we persuade others. But what we are is known to God, and I hope it is known also to your conscience.

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genesis 50:18-20 esv

His brothers also came and fell down before him and said, "Behold, we are your servants."

But Joseph said to them, "Do not fear, for am I in the place of God? As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today.

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job 33:6-7 csb

I am just like you before God; I was also pinched off from a piece of clay. Fear of me should not terrify you; no pressure from me should weigh you down.

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philippians 2:14-16 niv84

Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe as you hold out the word of life--in order that I may boast on the day of Christ that I did not run or labor for nothing.

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joshua 24:15 csb

But if it doesn’t please you to worship the Lord, choose for yourselves today: Which will you worship — the gods your ancestors worshiped beyond the Euphrates River or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living? As for me and my family, we will worship the Lord.

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i timothy 6:4-5 nlt

Anyone who teaches something different is arrogant and lacks understanding. Such a person has an unhealthy desire to quibble over the meaning of words. This stirs up arguments ending in jealousy, division, slander, and evil suspicions. These people always cause trouble. Their minds are corrupt, and they have turned their backs on the truth. To them, a show of godliness is just a way to become wealthy.

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ii timothy 2:25 csb

...instructing his opponents with gentleness. Perhaps God will grant them repentance leading them to the knowledge of the truth.

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ezekiel 3:27 csb

But when I speak with you, I will open your mouth, and you will say to them, ‘This is what the Lord God says.’ Let the one who listens, listen, and let the one who refuses, refuse — for they are a rebellious house.

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acts 18:6 niv84

But when the Jews opposed Paul and became abusive, he shook out his clothes and said to them, "Your blood be on your own heads! I am clear of my responsibility. From now on I will go to the Gentiles."

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matthew 15:14 esv

Let them alone; they are blind guides. And if the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.

section 7

complaining

Complaining, murmuring, grumbling and/or harboring a discontent attitude is something we should avoid all together philippians 2:14 . Communicating our complaints to each other defiles all participants numbers 14:36  and sets the course for further discontentment james 3:6 .

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philippians 2:14 nlt

Do everything without complaining and arguing...

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numbers 14:36 esv

And the men whom Moses sent to spy out the land, who returned and made all the congregation grumble against him by bringing up a bad report about the land—

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james 3:6 esv

And the tongue is a fire, a world of unrighteousness. The tongue is set among our members, staining the whole body, setting on fire the entire course of life, and set on fire by hell.

section 8

Complaining is despised by the Lord as it is a rejection of His good, perfect pleasing will romans 12:2  and a deceptive way of rejecting the Lord Himself numbers 11:18-20 ; it is practically accusing Him of hate deuteronomy 1:27 . Complaining is spreading one’s lack of faith which clings to a harsh view of God john 6:60-61  malachi 3:13 , wallows in ingratitude romans 1:21 , establishing fault-finding as a way of life jude 16 . Complaining is doubting God, despising His will for you which leads to further corruption psalm 106:24-25  as one committed to complaining is justifying themselves jonah 4  rather than seeking to find God’s Truth and Love through any given disappointment ecclesiastes 3:11  i kings 8:37-40, 58-60  isaiah 38:15-17 .

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romans 12:2 csb

Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing, and perfect will of God.

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numbers 11:18-20 nlt

"And say to the people, ‘Purify yourselves, for tomorrow you will have meat to eat. You were whining, and the LORD heard you when you cried, "Oh, for some meat! We were better off in Egypt!" Now the LORD will give you meat, and you will have to eat it.

And it won’t be for just a day or two, or for five or ten or even twenty. You will eat it for a whole month until you gag and are sick of it. For you have rejected the LORD, who is here among you, and you have whined to Him, saying, "Why did we ever leave Egypt?"’"

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deuteronomy 1:27 nlt

You complained in your tents and said, ‘The LORD must hate us. That’s why he has brought us here from Egypt—to hand us over to the Amorites to be slaughtered.

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john 6:60-61 esv

When many of His disciples heard it, they said, "This is a hard saying; who can listen to it?"

But Jesus, knowing in Himself that His disciples were grumbling about this, said to them, "Do you take offense at this?

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malachi 3:13 csb

"Your words against Me are harsh," says the Lord. Yet you ask, "What have we spoken against You?"

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romans 1:21 esv

For although they knew God, they did not honor Him as God or give thanks to Him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened.

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jude 16 niv84

These men are grumblers and faultfinders; they follow their own evil desires; they boast about themselves and flatter others for their own advantage.

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psalm 106:24-25 csb

They despised the pleasant land and did not believe His promise. They grumbled in their tents and did not listen to the Lord.

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jonah 4 esv

But it displeased Jonah exceedingly, and he was angry. And he prayed to the LORD and said, "O LORD, is not this what I said when I was yet in my country? That is why I made haste to flee to Tarshish; for I knew that you are a gracious God and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love, and relenting from disaster. Therefore now, O LORD, please take my life from me, for it is better for me to die than to live."

And the LORD said, "Do you do well to be angry?"

But God said to Jonah, "Do you do well to be angry for the plant?"

And he said, "Yes, I do well to be angry, angry enough to die."

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ecclesiastes 3:11 esv

He has made everything beautiful in its time. Also, He has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.

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i kings 8:37-40, 58-60 niv84

When famine or plague comes to the land, or blight or mildew, locusts or grasshoppers, or when an enemy besieges them in any of their cities, whatever disaster or disease may come, and when a prayer or plea is made by any of Your people Israel--each one aware of the afflictions of his own heart, and spreading out his hands toward this temple-- then hear from heaven, Your dwelling place. Forgive and act; deal with each man according to all he does, since You know his heart (for You alone know the hearts of all men), so that they will fear You all the time they live in the land You gave our fathers.

May He turn our hearts to Him, to walk in all His ways and to keep the commands, decrees and regulations He gave our fathers. And may these words of mine, which I have prayed before the LORD, be near to the LORD our God day and night, that He may uphold the cause of His servant and the cause of His people Israel according to each day’s need, so that all the peoples of the earth may know that the LORD is God and that there is no other.

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isaiah 38:15-17 niv84

But what can I say? He has spoken to me, and He Himself has done this. I will walk humbly all my years because of this anguish of my soul. Lord, by such things men live; and my spirit finds life in them too. You restored me to health and let me live. Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In Your love You kept me from the pit of destruction; You have put all my sins behind Your back.

section 9

While God warns us about His wrath against complaining, grumbling, etc… i corinthians 10:10 , the solution is not not-complaining (just bottling it up inside). God knows we are weak and have many troubles psalm 103:14  james 5:13 ; after all He’s the One disciplining us in our hardships hebrews 12:7 . He does not want us to try to hide our attitude from Him psalm 62:8  genesis 3:10 . So, when we have a complaint there is a proper way of addressing it ecclesiastes 8:6 . We go to God, reasoning isaiah 1:18  and even contending isaiah 43:26  with Him so that our attitudes might be recreated into His attitude ephesians 4:22-24  philippians 2:5 . We should not murmur amongst ourselves john 6:43 . Instead, take a deep breath mark 8:12  mark 7:34 , ask your questions mark 9:19  and offer up your complaint to the Lord looking for the Biblical response we should have habakkuk 2:1  so that our lives might be rich with contentment and gratitude i timothy 6:6  i thessalonians 5:18 . Lest we continue complaining in our search for what will never satisfy ecclesiastes 6:9 ; for complaining can only lead to experiencing the dismal misery of submitting to idols instead of the Lord deuteronomy 28:47-48  ii chronicles 12:8 .

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i corinthians 10:10 nkjv

nor complain, as some of them also complained, and were destroyed by the destroyer.

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psalm 103:14 esv

For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust.

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james 5:13 esv

Is anyone among you suffering? Let him pray. Is anyone cheerful? Let him sing praise.

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hebrews 12:7 csb

Endure suffering as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons. For what son is there that a father does not discipline?

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psalm 62:8 nlt

O my people, trust in Him at all times. Pour out your heart to Him, for God is our refuge. Interlude

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genesis 3:10 esv

And he said, "I heard the sound of You in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself."

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ecclesiastes 8:6 csb

For every activity there is a right time and procedure, even though a person’s troubles are heavy on him.

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isaiah 1:18 esv

"Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.

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isaiah 43:26 nkjv

Put Me in remembrance; Let us contend together; State your case, that you may be acquitted.

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ephesians 4:22-24 niv84

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

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philippians 2:5 csb

Adopt the same attitude as that of Christ Jesus...

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john 6:43 esv

Jesus answered them, "Do not grumble among yourselves.

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mark 8:12 esv

And He sighed deeply in His spirit and said, "Why does this generation seek a sign? Truly, I say to you, no sign will be given to this generation."

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mark 7:34 csb

Looking up to heaven, He sighed deeply and said to him, "Ephphatha!" (that is, "Be opened!").

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mark 9:19 csb

He replied to them, "You unbelieving generation, how long will I be with you? How long must I put up with you? Bring him to Me."

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habakkuk 2:1 niv84

I will stand at my watch and station myself on the ramparts; I will look to see what He will say to me, and what answer I am to give to this complaint.

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i timothy 6:6 esv

But godliness with contentment is great gain...

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i thessalonians 5:18 esv

...give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.

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ecclesiastes 6:9 csb

Better what the eyes see than wandering desire. This too is futile and a pursuit of the wind.

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deuteronomy 28:47-48 niv84

Because you did not serve the LORD your God joyfully and gladly in the time of prosperity, therefore in hunger and thirst, in nakedness and dire poverty, you will serve the enemies the LORD sends against you. He will put an iron yoke on your neck until He has destroyed you.

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ii chronicles 12:8 nlt

But they will become his subjects, so they will know the difference between serving Me and serving earthly rulers."